Fusions That Should Never Be #I:
A Sailor Moon/ Evangelion crossover story
by D.B. Sommer
Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi, Toei
Animation, and Kodansha. The American rights are owned by DIC.
Neon Genesis Evangelion belongs to GAINAX/Project Eva, TV Tokyo,
Authorís notes: <absolutely inane banter> As you may already
know, there are some people that insist that anything can be a crossover
with anything else. Though technically true, this is not necessarily
a good thing. For example: Mad Bull with Magical Girl Pretty Sammy,
Windaria with Kimagure Orange Road, Dark Warrior with anything,
or Ranma ½ with Marvel Comicís ďAvengersĒ… Er, never
mind about that last one, but you get the idea. And even though
some of them can be put together, if by some miracle it works…
The way in which it's done is all-too-often bungled, and
you end up with what is most commonly known as the 'BAD FUSION IDEA'.
Well, here's one of those for your reading pleasure (or pain; they're
so much alike, who can tell the difference?). </absolutely inane
This gets raunchy in some places; suggestive, but nothing explicit.
It's all done for humor.
As always, C+C is craved for. My email is: email@example.com
Shinji Ikari was in a foul mood. First, his train was late. Second,
his ride was late. Third, there was a giant, ugly creature attacking
Tokyo-3 and blowing up everything that moved. And lastly, he had
stepped in some gum and it was sticking to his shoe like nobody's
business. The last was the primary cause of his concern. He couldn't
even walk without feeling his foot drag as the chewed-up piece of
unknown gray substance tried to cling to the street while maintaining
its hold on his sole. And judging by how close the giant monster
was getting to him, he wasn't going to get a chance to remove it,
Just as it looked like it was all over, a car skidded to a halt
next to him. The passenger's side door opened and within was revealed
an attractive woman, about in her thirties, with long legs and her
hair done up in a long brown ponytail. It took a moment for Shinji
to recognize her from the picture she had sent earlier, the one
with the gratuitous fan-service shot (which would have turned on
someone with an actual spine).
"Get in!" the woman shouted as she saw Shinji hesitate
right before getting in the car. The Angel's foot crashed within
ten meters of the vehicle, forcing the woman to reach out, grab
Shinji by his shirt, and drag him into the car before taking off
at top speed.
Once they put some distance between themselves and the angel, the
woman began to speak. "Sorry I was late, but traffic was a
mess." She looked Shinji over. "Say, you look a lot like
an old boyfriend of mine."
Shinji began to blush. True, whatshername, Makoto Katsuragi, if
he remembered correctly, was attractive, but she was also old enough
to be his mother. Maybe she meant someone from when she was a teenager.
That made sense. Either that, or he was being picked up by a potential
Makoto's eyes traced a large bomber flying overhead. "Uh oh.
We'd better get out of here. Time to go faster."
They were already going close to a hundred kilometers an hour.
"I don't want to go any faster!" Shinji exclaimed.
"Would you rather get blown up in the five-mile-wide explosion
of that N2 mine they're dropping back there?"
Shinji seriously considered that. "I'd like to go much
"That's the spirit! " Makoto pumped her fist in the air
once before placing her hand in an odd hole in the dashboard. "Good
thing this car's been modified especially for me."
Shinji was still wondering what she was up to when she shouted,
"SUPREME THUNDER!" There was a smell of ozone, and the
car kicked up a trail of dust as its speed doubled and they headed
off to their destination.
"I'm never riding with you again."
"You know what they say about any landing you can walk away
"That's what they say about planes, not cars. But since we
were flying through the air, I guess you're more right than I am,"
Shinji said with just a hint of bitterness in his voice.
"It's not my fault there was a little too much electricity
in the system for me to slow down. And it's not like running into
the concrete wall hurt all that much. And you got gum on my beautiful
carpeting. You ought to be a man about it and quit whining."
"I'm sorry." Shinji hung his head low. Apologizing was
as second nature to him as breathing. Maybe even more automatic
than that, when one thought about it.
"Geez. You really are spineless." Makoto shook her head
sadly. "You know, you really, really look like that guy I used
to date when I was still in grade school, I mean besides the fact
he had a spine. Are you sure you don't have any older uncles or
something I don't know about?"
Shinji decided Makoto's incessant droning was only adding to the
headache he had gotten when his head had slammed into the dashboard
in the car wreck Makoto cleverly pretended was parking. He tuned
her out until she stopped talking on her own. They continued walking
around the massive Geofront, passing the same employee's lounge
three times. "Why are we walking in circles?"
"Exercise," Makoto said, obviously lying. Shinji was
about to call her on it when the door they were about to go through
for the third time opened on its own.
"You got lost, didn't you?" The speaker was a woman that
appeared to be the same age as Makoto. She was wearing a white lab
coat, and had short blue hair, as well as an air about her that
implied she was intelligent. Or at least that she had some idea
that she knew where she was going.
"It was an accident, Ami," Makoto explained.
"No time for excuses. We have to get to the first holding
cage before the Commander chews us out."
'Commander.' Shinji focused on those words. Who was this mysterious
commander they were referring to? What was this huge base? Would
he ever be able to get the damn gum off his shoe?
They followed Ami Akagi to a huge room, which held what appeared
to be a giant purple robot that would have been several stories
high had it not been submerged in water up to its head. Shinji was
high enough to look the robot in a green crystal eye, and for a
moment was struck by the feeling of familiarity around it. He wondered
if it was called an EVA-01, since that was what was painted in big
white letters on its neck.
"There's the Commander."
Shinji turned at Makoto's words and followed where she was looking.
High in a room which overlooked the whole area was just who Shinji
expected the Commander was. Standing there as though she owned the
world, dressed in a black business suit, with twin blonde ponytails
trailing behind her head and wearing a set of glasses that appeared
to be perpetually falling off her nose, stood the one woman whom
he most wanted to see, and the one he never wanted to see again.
"Shinji. It's been a long time," Usagi Ikari said
in a carefully controlled voice.
"Mother," Shinji took a moment to compose himself. "Why
did you call me here?"
"I want you to pilot that." She pointed to the Eva.
So, she didn't want him at all. She just wanted to use him, just
as he feared. "No! I'm not your tool!"
Makoto and Ami cringed as Usagi unleashed 'The Glare.' Her deep
blue eyes seemed to bore holes through Shinji. Even when she had
to push the glasses back up, the glare was still enough to make
Shinji quake. Everyone hated that look, not so much for the uneasiness
one felt at having that stare unleashed on them, but for the torture
that would follow.
"WAAAHHH!" Twin streams of tears shot out from Usagi's
eyes like two large fountains and she fell to her knees. "You're
my son, my own flesh and blood, and you're defying me! I thought
I raised you to respect your parents!"
"You didn't raise me at all. When Father died, you stuck me
with my grandparents and cut off all contact with me." Try
as he might, Shinji couldn't keep his level of anger in the face
of Usagi's crying, though. What little willpower his spineless state
allowed him began to flee in the onslaught of the attack.
Usagi stopped sniffling and regained her feet, moving her glasses
back up the bridge of her nose. "Very well." She turned
towards Ami, who was only just now removing her earplugs. "Dr.
Akagi, bring out Chibi-Rei."
Ami sighed and ordered Chibi-Rei brought out. Shinji watched as
a door at the end of the walkway he was on opened, and they wheeled
out a young girl strapped on a gurney. She looked the worse for
wear, wrapped up in bandages and having a long dangling IV in her
arm. Shinji got a good look at the girl with bubblegum-colored hair,
pale white skin, and deep red eyes.
Shinji looked up to his mother, "She's—"
"She's not a clone of me," Usagi quickly blurted out.
"Nope. No sir. I wouldn't clone myself. Nope. It's just an
odd coincidence she looks a lot like me when I was younger. And
I have not genetically programmed her to be an instrument to help
me use Third Impact to create Crystal Tokyo and make Earth into
a Utopia wherein I will be supreme ruler, and separate your father
from the EVA-01 he's trapped in. Where did you get a crazy idea
like that, Shinji?"
Shinji formed a sweatdrop. "I was just going to say she's
so badly injured that maybe I should get into the Eva."
"Oh," Usagi thought about that for a moment. "Shinji,
remember all that talk about Crystal Tokyo?"
"Forget I said that. I was just kidding. We're just here to
stop the Youma—"
"They're Angels, not Youma." Ami corrected.
"That's what I said," Usagi insisted. "We're just
here to stop the Angels and not take over the world. Really."
"Right." Shinji had to sigh to himself. In all of those
years, his mother was still the same. Maybe not being raised by
her was a good thing.
Deciding compliance was for the best, Shinji did as he was instructed.
He finished putting on his plug suit and climbed onto the top of
the entry plug of the EVA-01. Before entering it, he looked up to
where his mother stood high above, watching everything through aloof
eyes. "You know, Mother. This whole entry plug thing seems
pretty phallic to me."
Usagi Ikari stared at her son through eyes devoid of emotion. "Of
course. It is as I intended. As head of NERV, I am forced to make
critical decisions about such things." She turned to Makoto
and Rei, who had joined her in the Control Room, and whispered,
"What does phallic mean?"
Makoto and Ami felt a mutual headache coming on. They flipped a
coin to decide who would explain it to their leader and commander.
"It, you know, has to do with the, you know, stuff you used
to, you know, do with your husband."
"Take long romantic walks in the park?" Usagi asked.
"Spend large amounts of time staring lovingly into each other's
"No." Ami sighed, exasperated. "You know, this."
She lowered her hand to her pelvis and made a back and forth motions
"Shake hands with really short people?"
"No! It has to do with the penis! Shinji is saying there is
a sort of symbolism between that and the entry plug into the EVA!"
"Oh," Usagi's eyes took on a knowing light, and then
a look of horror ran across her face. "Shinji! What on earth
are they teaching you at school?! I never had thoughts along those
lines when I was your age!"
Ami turned her attention to Shinji. "Besides, if you think
that's bad, you should have seen where they originally put the entry
plug on the Evas. It ended up right there." Ami gave a hard
smack to Usagi's butt-cheeks.
Shinji stared at Ami through half-lidded eyes. "You mean it
"—Called the 'Butt Plug' system," Makoto confirmed.
"But the idea was quickly scrapped after there was an emergency
ejection and no one would go near the plug."
"That the entry plugs were painted brown didn't help things
either," Ami murmured.
Shinji cringed, suddenly realizing things could have been a lot
worse. The current entry plug system worked fine for him. He proceeded
to enter the plug, and was quickly shot into Unit-01. He examined
"What, no CD player?"
The familiar voice of Usagi came over one of the speakers in the
plug. "There's nothing worth listening to nowadays, since the
Sailor Starlights were found beaten to death with a rubber dildo
in some back alley."
"I don't want to know," Shinji said as his mind involuntarily
tried to visualize the information he had just been told.
Usagi began giving orders. "Prepare for LCL injection."
"I don't do drugs!" Shinji protested.
"That's LCL, not LSD. Stupid git," Ami spat.
Usagi turned her attention to the three bridge bunnies on the lower
command floor. "Makoto, inject the LCL into the plug."
"That's not my job!" Makoto, senshi of Jupiter, protested
next to Usagi.
"Not you. I meant Makoto What's- His- Name- With- The- Glasses-
Who- Went- Unnamed- For- Nearly- All- of- The- Eva- Series- And-
Only- True- Eva- Addicts- Know- What- His- Real- Name- Is,"
"Oh." Makoto relaxed.
"That's not my job either. It's Aoba's, ma'am," Makoto
What's- His- Name- With- The- Glasses- Who- Went- Unnamed- For-
Nearly- All- of- The- Eva- Series- And- Only- True- Eva- Addicts-
Know- What- His- Real- Name- Is pointed out.
"I knew that." Usagi gave him, 'the glare,' and Makoto
What's- His- Name- With- The- Glasses- Who- Went- Unnamed- For-
Nearly- All- of- The- Eva- Series- And- Only- True- Eva- Addicts-
Know- What- His- Real- Name- Is cowered. Usagi made a mental note
to have him replaced with some leftover cast member from Sailor
Moon. Having two people with the same first name was going to be
as confusing as hell, and it wasn't like anyone would miss the background
character anyway. Hell, they'd probably think Hotaru had always
been part of the original Evangelion series. Besides, Usagi was
getting tired of thinking of him with all of those words added to
"Aoba! Do the LCL thing!" Usagi ordered
Thankful that he didn't have the same name as one of the Sailor
Moon cast and had some ridiculous declaration substituted for it,
Aoba hit a button.
In the entry plug, Shinji noticed a liquid substance begin to rush
in from faucets that had been cleverly disguised as faucets. "Hey!
What's going on?!"
"It's a specially designed liquid to help you interface with
the unit," Ami assured him.
"No, you can breathe the LCL. Just open your mouth and try
it," Ami said soothingly.
Once Shinji was completely submerged, he did as she asked.
"See," Ami cooed. "That wasn't so bad."
"Umm, Ami. Why are his eyes bulging?" Makoto asked as
she watched the monitor of the interior of the plug.
"It takes a while to get used to LCL," Ami answered.
"And why is he not speaking to us even though his lips are
"Could be faulty speakers."
"And the reason he's making strangling motions with his hands?"
"He enjoys charades?"
Usagi appeared overjoyed at that. "Gendou-chan always enjoyed
playing charades with me. Especially when he was choking on a chicken
bone during dinner. Usually, it didn't take me more than a couple
of minutes to figure out that he was trying to sign, 'Heimlich Maneuver'."
Aoba looked at his control panel and made a discovery. "Oh,
shit! I filled it with water instead of LCL!"
Usagi ripped the microphone out of Ami's hands and spoke to Shinji.
"You're drowning? Is that what you're trying to tell us, Shinji?"
Shinji gave her a thumb's up sign.
"Ha! I knew I hadn't lost my touch," Usagi smirked.
"Flush the water and fill it with the LCL instead," Ami
After the switch was completed and Shinji threw up all of the water,
as well as the contents of his lunch, he recovered enough to have
both him and his Eva shot to the surface. Immediately before him
was the form of the first Angel he was going to have to fight: Sachiel.
"I need a weapon!" Shinji shouted, noticing a half dissolved
French fry float past. He made a note never to throw up while in
LCL ever again.
"Not yet," Usagi's voice came over the speaker "First
you need to get the proper clothes."
"Proper clothes?" Shinji asked. What? Did she consider
the Eva naked? And was that a mushroom that had passed by? He hadn't
eaten any mushrooms
"To your right," Makoto's voice came over the loudspeaker.
Shinji turned to see a building open up, revealing a false interior.
Inside were a gigantic black cloak, white mask, and top hat that
were all sized to fit the Eva.
"You've got to be kidding me," Shinji said. Now, the
pickle he recognized.
"Hurry," Usagi's voice urged, "before the Youma—"
"Angel," Makoto corrected.
"No way!" He had to run away. He had to run away.
"But Shinji, you're my son. My own flesh and blood."
Sniffling came over the intercom. Shinji recognized the signs and
gave up before he was forced to bend unwillingly to his mother's
demands. It took several moments of reluctant maneuvering to actually
don the ridiculous garb on his Eva.
"You look just like your father," Usagi began to wail
slightly over the intercom now.
Shinji rolled his eyes, and then turned to confront the Angel.
His synch-ratio with Unit-01 was so high that both he and it formed
"What's it doing?" Shinji asked, as the Angel seemed
to be engaged in some bizarre defense, rolling around on the ground
and making weird noises.
"It's laughing." There was barely-controlled amusement
in Ami's voice. Other voices could be heard laughing in the background
as well. "Just as— ha!— we hoped. It's so
stupefied by you-r- ha!— appearance, it's unable to
focus its AT field. Teeheeheehee."
Again Shinji was telling himself he had to run away when Makoto
composed herself enough to say "Punch the button on your left,
next to the cappuccino machine. Then reach over your shoulder and
grab the weapon."
Shinji found the button and pushed it. He then did as she said
and reached up, grabbing onto something. He pulled back and brought
the weapon into view. Another sweatdrop formed.
"It's a rose." He said it without the faintest hint of
emotion in his voice.
"It's a progressive rose," Makoto said. "Drive it
into that red spot on the Angel and you'll destroy it. WAHAHAHAHAHA!
He looks so stupid!ď
Had Shinji any spine whatsoever, he would have tossed the rose
away and left, never to go back to NERV again, and allow them to
fall unto the mercy of Sachiel. But being essentially a gutless
wimp, he did as he was told, drove the prog-rose (which actually
did cut very well) into the laughing Angel's core and destroyed
"Well, that was certainly exciting," Shinji said dryly
as he looked at the dissolving Angel remains. After he took off
the cloak and mask— the only way to make the others stop laughing
at him— he returned to the holding cage where his mother and
the other waited for him.
Usagi Ikari had once again composed herself. Her voice was cold
and devoid of emotion. "Excellent work, Shinji. You showed
grace and poise out there, risking your life to save humanity."
"I looked like a clown and stabbed a monster that couldn't
defend itself with a rose. This is easily the lowest moment of my
"Ha!" Usagi said. "You think you have it tough?
When I was your age, I ran around in a tiny fuku, shouting ridiculous
things like 'In the name of the Moon, you shall be punished' at
ludicrous monsters that looked like refugees from a grade-B Ď50's
horror movie. You do that during your entire formative years and
see how much integrity you have left."
"The uniform always made my thighs look fat," Ami admitted.
"It was really embarrassing and ruined my self-esteem. It's
probably why the boys almost never hit on me."
"That and the fact Minako usually greeted every guy we met
with her legs wide open," Makoto agreed.
Usagi pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose again. "I
believe I've done enough parenting for today. It's time to decide
where Shinji's going to stay now that he's a part of NERV."
"I'm not staying with you?" Shinji asked.
Shinji breathed a sigh of relief.
Usagi left things in Ami's care and exited the room, tripping over
her own ponytails only once. After Usagi was gone, Ami began to
consider their options. "How old are you, Shinji?"
"Still a virgin?"
Shinji blushed. "Ah, what does that have to do with trying
to choose a place to stay?"
"Everything. Now answer the question."
"Want to stay that way?"
Shinji's blush deepened. "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship
like that, so yes, I'd like to stay that way for now."
"Cross Minako off, then," Makoto said. "If it's
male, she sleeps with it. You know her motto, 'if it can get hard,
it can get off'."
"Would you mind living with a couple of lesbians?" Ami
"I'm not sure I'm ready for that, either." After Shinji
met Kaji, and admitted he had passed up the opportunity to stay
with a couple of lesbians, the older man beat the living crap out
of him for "passing up the opportunity of a lifetime!"
"Cross Haruka and Michiru off," Makoto said.
"How do you feel about religious fanatics that see visions
in their fires?"
"What are you talking about?!"
"Forget Rei," Makoto said.
Ami looked up to the ceiling. "How do you feel about drunks?"
"HEY!" Makoto shouted.
"I don't mind someone that likes to drink," Shinji said,
afraid of what other options were going to be presented to him.
Hanging out with a lush sounded at least relatively normal.
Makoto felt flattered that he'd pick her. She placed an arm around
Shinji and brought him closer. "I guess it would be kind of
fun having someone like you around. Buck up, Shinji. We've saved
the world and you're going to be living with me. Let's go out and
celebrate with my buddies, Jim and Jack."
"They're foreigners?" Shinji asked.
"They're not domestics, no," Makoto said. She felt happier
than she had in a long time. It wasn't like she was getting close
to marriage, and this might be the closest thing to a son she was
ever going to have. A pity he reminded her of one of her old boyfriends,
though. That might complicate things. "I think we're going
get along fine. Just fine, Shinji."
"We're home!" Makoto shouted as she ushered Shinji into
Hearing the door open, a small animal made its way to the entryway.
"That's Pen-Pen," Makoto said as her pet came into view.
"He's a special moon penguin."
"He's a bit furry."
"It helps to keep him warm."
"He has four legs."
"It's not like penguins can fly. His wings were useless anyway."
"And the tuxedo?"
"A problem with his coloring. He wouldn't be a penguin if
he wasn't black and white."
"What about the pointed ears on the top of his head?"
"The better to hear you with, my dear."
"Of course. And the yellow bill?"
"What about it?"
"Not much. It's just that itís plastic and itís attached to
his face by a rubber band."
"A horrible accident with a razor and a runaway zit."
"I see. You do realize THAT'S A CAT DRESSED UP LIKE A PENGUIN!!!"
Shinji finally snapped.
Makoto was unaffected. "His grandfather was a cat, you know.
Strong family resemblance is all that it is. He really is a penguin."
'Pen-Pen' sighed. "Hey, Mako, we'd better tell him the truth.
He's not buying the disguise."
Shinji nodded his head in understanding. "Oh, he's a talking
cat. Now it makes sense." Of course it didn't really
make the least bit of sense, but his mind was ready to go bye-bye
now, and it didn't particularly feel like dealing with talking cat/penguins.
"All right," Makoto finally relented. "His name
is Artemis, and he is really a moon cat, not a moon penguin. He's
hiding out here to avoid his former owner, Minako 'I carry more
sperm in me than a boatload of horny sailors' Aino."
"How come?" Shinji asked Artemis, afraid of the answer
while knowing deep down inside that he would never know sleep again
unless he found out, no matter how twisted and sick the answer was
probably going to be.
"I was tired of being used as a sex toy."
Oh, it was way worse than Shinji could have possibly imagined.
"All the time it was 'lick me here, Artemis. Lick me there,
Artemis.' I swear I lost over half the feeling in my tongue from
all of that licking," the moon cat snarled.
"Okay, I think you've done your work well. I'm now permanently
traumatized," Shinji said, really wanting to run away.
It was too late. Artemis was in full rant mode. " Orgies,
orgies, orgies. And there was 'Hamsters are your friends, Artemis.
Let them do that to you.' And then of course there was 'go ahead
and let that nice man play with you. It'll be fun.' Artemis cringed.
"The things that guy, Osca—"
"No more!" Shinji pleaded. Even Makoto was turning green.
Makoto picked up the moon penguin/cat and began stroking him.
Stroking his fur. Of course.
"Don't worry about it," she cooed. "You're safe
here. Minako will never find you."
Shinji snorted in disgust. "Oh, and like that disguise is
going to fool her. A five-year-old moron could see right through
"Mina's complimented me on my choice of pets and said she
was considering getting a penguin herself," Makoto said.
"Only after she asked if she could borrow me." Artemis
gave a shudder.
Deciding that he had enough of tales of sex, lies, and pussies
(meaning cats, you perverts), Shinji decided to change the subject.
"What's for dinner?"
"Jell-O shooters," Makoto answered. And the people at
work thought she didn't know how to make a decent meal.
"That doesn't sound too healthy," Shinji said.
"Don't worry, I'll mix some screwdrivers, too. A growing boy
needs his vitamin C."
"Of course." After today, Shinji decided that getting
drunk sounded like a pretty damn good idea to him. Like Makoto said
on the way over, there was no problem so big that excessive amounts
of alcohol couldn't solve it. Shinji suddenly had a lot of problems
to solve. It was now evident that being a neglected child was infinitely
preferable to being raised by his mother.
And this was just the first day.
The NERV Official Trademark: We're just here to stop the Angels
and not take over the world. Really.
Scene from later in the series:
Usagi Ikari stared at the members of SEELE before her. "I
need more funding."
Lorenz Keele carefully considered that…for point-five seconds.
Usagi Ikari adjusted her glasses.
"No!" Keele shouted out, jumping out of his chair and
trying to prevent the inevitable from happening.
"WAHHH! Why?! I'm just trying to save the world from the Angels!
And I'm not trying to situate things just to use Third Impact to
create Crystal Tokyo and make Earth into a Utopia wherein I will
be supreme ruler, and separate my husband from the EVA-01 he's trapped
in! Why can't I have my funding? WAHHH!"
"Fine!" Keele shouted as the rest of SEELE began covering
their ears. "You can have all the funds you want! We'll sell
Ecuador! That should raise enough money for you. Just stop crying,
To be continued?
Author's notes: There now, that wasn't so good, was it? Some characters
just weren't met to fit into the role of others. Sure, Gendou/Usagi
works fine. But Ami/Ritsuko? Luna/Fuyutsuki? Shinji/Shinji? No.
Just a bad idea all around. Let that be a lesson to you all in things
not to do.
PS: No. Nothing in this was meant to be serious, you silly people,