Fusions That Should Never Be #V:
Full Metal Azumanga

Disclaimer: Azumanga Daioh is owned by Kiyohiko Azuma, Genco, J.C. Staff, and ADV Films. Full Metal Alchemist is owned by Hiromu Arakawa/Square Enix, MBS, ANX, BONES, Dentsu, FUNimation, and Phoenix Networks, LLC.

Foreword: Yes, folks, it's that time again when we force our minds to wrap around a concept that should never have been conceived of in the first place. Once more we deal with two series that should never have anything to do with one another being jammed together in impossible ways under no greater premise than 'Cause I think it's neat.' Once again I shall highlight the futility of such actions by writing in futility. At least with more futility than usual.

Any and all C+C is appreciated. You can contact me at sommert@connecttime.net

Minamo "Nyamo" Kurosawa tapped her foot impatiently, the echoes bouncing off the lab walls, as she stared at her watch. Where the hell was Yukari? It was already mid-afternoon, and she still hadn't shown up for guard duty. For Yukari's sake, the boss had better not drop by, or else she might find herself unemployed yet again. The last job had been bad enough. She was lucky the Fuhrer hadn't executed her instead of settling on firing her for incompetence. But maybe Nyamo was an even bigger idiot for letting Yukari talk her into resigning her own commission with the army and joining up with this renegade alchemist. She just knew it was going to turn around and bite her in the rear end, like all of Yukari's other 'brilliant ideas'. It was only a matter of time.

A sound caught Nyamo's attention. She was charging the Alchemy sigil etched into her glove when a yawning, sleepy-eyed Yukari trudged into the room.

"Morning." Yukari yawned as she waved.

"It's the middle of the afternoon!" Nyamo spat.

That accusation aroused Yukari's irritation. "You know, that sort of mean attitude is exactly why I don't wear a watch. You don't see me snapping at people because they're a little late, now do you?"

"That's because no one is ever later than you," Nyamo pointed out. "You're going to get fired one of these days."

"Ha! As if that'll ever happen," Yukari scoffed. "You've seen the boss's other assistants. We're the only remotely competent people around. He needs us."

"I agree with everything but the 'we' part regarding competence around here."

Yukari slapped Nyamo affectionately on the shoulder. "Come on, lighten up. It's not like it matters when we show up. Guarding this place is the cushiest job in the world. After all, this is a secret base, emphasis on 'secret'. That means no one knows it's here. If no one knows it's here, then they can't attack it and we won't be guarding it against anyone."

Nyamo felt a headache coming on. "Don't you think that since the boss felt compelled to hire us, he might be concerned about the actual secrecy of the base?"

It was then the far wall to the lab exploded.

Yukari pointed an accusatory finger at Nyamo. "That's your fault!

"How is it my fault?"

"You jinxed us with what you said!"

Nyamo brought her hands up, preparing her alchemy circle. She wanted to use it against Yukari, but professionalism reared its ugly head and instead she pointed toward the cloud of dust kicked up by the exploding wall.

Yukari suddenly became serious as she took charge of the situation. "Here's what we'll do. You transmute the floor into adhesive, causing our foe to stick to it."

Nyamo nodded. "Right. What will you be doing?"

Yukari raised her own white-gloved hand, a similar symbol etched on the palm. "The most important task of all: getting reinforcements." She turned and ran.

Nyamo ground her teeth in frustration at once again being left to hold the fort. She turned to see Yukari had already made it more than halfway across the room. "That's not the way to the lab! That's the emergency escape door!"

"I'll make sure it's clear!" Yukari shouted as she threw open the door and bolted through it. She didn't make it more than a step inside when she slammed her body against a metal barrier just beyond the doorframe. The impact made her fall backward onto her behind. Dazed, she babbled out, "See? It's not clear. Good thing I checked."

Yukari looked up to see what she had run into. It was not a wall, merely someone in a huge suit of armor that was almost as wide as she was tall. It was gigantic, like a walking tank, with a demonic faceplate that had curling ram's horns on the sides and red eyes whose crimson glow would be more appropriate in the pits of hell than on any mortal being.

While Yukari stared in awestruck horror, the dust at the far end of the room began to settle. A person emerged from the hole in the wall and walked into the room. It was an extremely short figure, dressed in a red overcoat and a black suit. The silver chain of a small watch was visible in one pocket. Twin pig tails could be seen bouncing up and down in conjunction with the movement, their light red color revealed as she walked into the light.

Nyamo drew back in horror. "Oh no! It's the military's infamous prodigy-transmuter, Chiyo Elric, The Chibi Alchemist!"

Chiyo winced. "Would you mind not calling me that? I'm not that short."

Yukari said, "You're the shortest ten-year old I've ever seen. You'd be short even for a midget."

Chiyo's face turned red as she trembled in anger.

Before she could shout out a retort, Yukari turned to look at the armored figure that had moved past the doorway and into the room. "Then this must be the Chibi Alchemist's partner, the most horrifying, fearsome, deadliest being to ever walk the face of the planet, 'Death Machine' Sakaki."

The armored figure raised a yellow smiley face mask to the front of her helmet. "Does this make me look less fearsome?" she asked hopefully.

"It makes you look worse!" Yukari screeched.

The armored figure's shoulders slumped and, impossibly, a look of depression crossed its features as it tossed the mask aside.

Chiyo was quick to come to her partner's defense. "Sakaki has never killed anyone. And it's not her fault her soul is bound in such fearsome-looking armor. We were just normal alchemy students until our teacher went insane and tried to perform a forbidden ritual that was intended to transmute the entire class. Things went out of control. I was only able to save Sakaki and we barely escaped with our lives. The rest of our friends died." Chiyo sniffled at the memory.

'Death Machine' Sakaki walked over to the Chibi Alchemist and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

The gesture boosted Chiyo's morale, even as her knees threatened to buckle under the weight. "Now Sakaki and I walk the lands, righting wrongs and trying to find the Philosopher's Stone so I can give Sakaki back her body."

Yukari regained her composure and returned to her feet to stand side-by-side with Nyamo. She laughed confidently as though she were confronting a child. One that couldn't blow her up with a wave of the hand, to be specific. "Bah, you're nothing more than a dog of the military."

"Dog of the military?" Sakaki was suddenly overcome with the idea of becoming a cute little puppy with an olive green beret on her head.

Yukari continued snickering. "I'm afraid you've bitten off more than you can chew, runt."

Chiyo scowled at the insult.

Yukari paid no heed. "I was in the military as well. An alchemist, in fact. All the soldiers and other alchemists ran away from me in terror. I once cowed the Fuhrer himself without even trying. I left because I determined the military was no longer worthy of my abilities, so I went freelance, where there's real money to be made. And you think you can challenge me, one who could appropriately be called 'The God of Alchemists'?"

Chiyo said, "You were known as 'The Crash Dummy Alchemist.' People only ran away from you when you were driving a vehicle, and that was because you were likely to run them over, not because of your powers in alchemy. You were kicked out of the military when you ran over the Fuhrer's car with a tank, while he was still in it."

"The gear shift was stuck," Yukari explained.

Nyamo stepped in front of Yukari. "Unlike my companion, I'm actually pretty good. I was one of the best alchemists in the military until I listened to some bad advice and quit." She stared pointedly at Yukari. "But I'm still one of the best there is." She pulled a coin from out of her pocket and tossed it in the air. She caught it, simultaneously snapping her fingers. Instantly the coin was transformed into a miniature ice sculpture of a woman that stood on the back of Nyamo's hand. "Now you see how I earned the title, 'The Ice Maiden Alchemist'."

Chiyo scratched her head for a moment, muttering "Ice Maiden Alchemist," several times. Eventually, she stopped scratching and smiled at Nyamo. "I've heard of you. The men at headquarters talk about you all the time."

Nyamo smirked at Yukari, who shot daggers back at her.

Chiyo continued. "But can you answer me something? What does Colonel Mustang mean when he says he was able to 'melt the Ice Maiden by putting some fire inside her?' I overheard him saying that to some of the guys, but when I asked him what he meant, he just laughed nervously and said he'd tell me when I got older."

Nyamo blushed furiously while Yukari began laughing her head off. "It's not important." Nyamo said quickly.

Chiyo added, "I asked Lieutenant Hawkeye, but she wouldn't answer. She just pulled out her gun and started playing with the slide, muttering something about human target practice." Chiyo shuddered. "I don't ask her questions anymore."

"She is scary," Nyamo agreed, suddenly remembering why it had been so easy for Yukari to talk her into resigning from the military.

Chiyo cleared her throat. "In any case, I discovered rumors about a renegade alchemist trying to create the Philosopher's Stone out here, and I've come to put a stop to him, as well as look over his notes and see if they can help in my own research."

"How did you find out about this place?" Yukari asked. "It's supposed to be secret."

"Apparently some woman got really drunk the other day and was shouting about working at a secret base up here in the hills with a renegade alchemist who was studying the Philosopher's Stone."

Yukari stared levelly at Nyamo.

"What the hell are you looking at me for?!" Nyamo shouted, "You're the one that goes out drinking every night!"

"Pointing fingers after the fact is pointless," Yukari said philosophically. "We have to stop these two."

"Right," Nyamo said, dropping the ice figure and preparing to fight.

Yukari nodded. "Good. You hold them off, while I go for reinforcements."

Nyamo snagged her by the back of the shirt, before she could try to escape again.

It was at that moment that a large section of the ceiling suddenly began lowering itself into the room, stopping after it had descended about halfway. On its surface were some lab equipment and a railing to look over into the room. Standing next to the railing was a man in a white lab jacket, surrounded by five figures that remained in the shadows. Light gleamed off the man's glasses, as he looked down into the room.

Chiyo and Sakaki both gasped. "It can't be."

The man said, "But it is, Chiyo-chan. It is. At long last we are reunited, daughter!"

Chiyo's surprise turned to disgust. "You're not my father. You're my old high school alchemy teacher, Kimura Sensei."

"That's all right; you can still call me Daddy."

"No way!"

Kimura clapped his hands in glee, "It's wonderful to see you again, Chiyo-chan. It means my plans are working. High school girls are already flocking to me for my treatment."

"Actually, they're intruders that are here to stop you," Nyamo explained.

"It doesn't matter! High school girls are high school girls!" Kimura shouted.

Chiyo was teary-eyed. "Why did you do it, sensei? Why did you try to perform that forbidden experiment on the class?"

"For this reason!" Kimura waved the figures surrounding him forward. They did so, stepping into the light.

"It can't be," Sakaki gasped.

"Our friends!" Chiyo shouted as she saw Tomo, Yomi, Osaka, Kagura, and even Kaorin up there, dressed in their high school uniforms as though they were ready to attend class. "I thought you were all dead! I saw you broken down into your material components and sucked through a portal."

"They were," Kimura informed her. "But I brought them back. Well, technically I recreated them, but it's pretty much the same thing."

"How?"

"I made them homunculi."

That caught Tomo's attention. "Homunculi? I'm no homunculi."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not," Tomo insisted.

"Yes, you are. You all are."

Tomo placed her hands on her hips and confidently boasted. "The heck we are. Out of all of us, only Kaorin's ever looked at another girl."

Kaorin blushed furiously.

Chiyo laughed uneasily. "Actually, he means you're artificial humans, and not real ones at all. It doesn't mean you like girls."

Osaka pondered that. "Artificial humans? Does that mean if I were to change sand into sugar, it would be artificial sugar?"

"Um, I don't know," Chiyo admitted.

Kimura continued. "And since I recreated them, I have renamed them after the seven sins. Behold Pride." He pointed at Kagura.

Kagura scratched her head. "Well, I guess it kind of works. I am pretty proud of my athletic prowess."

He pointed at Tomo. "Greed."

Tomo scrunched her face at that. "I don't want to be Greed. I want to be Pride."

Kimura said, "You want to be Pride?"

"Yes."

"Then you're Envy."

"What?! I said I wanna be Pride."

"Since you want to be something else, that means you are suffering from the sin of Envy."

While Tomo tried wrapping her mind around that one, Kimura turned to Yomi. "This is Gluttony."

"Why the hell do I have to be Gluttony?!" Yomi shouted.

Kimura ignored her and turned to Osaka. "This is Sloth."

Osaka considered that. "I think I'd make a much better Anger. Watch." She tried growling in anger, but it came out closer to the sound one's stomach produced when hungry.

Kimura pointed to the last girl. "And Kaorin-chan is Lust, since she lusts after me."

"I do not!" Kaorin shouted, darting behind Yomi.

Yomi snarled, "Yeah, that's it, hide behind Gluttony, since she must have a big behind because she's Gluttony."

Tomo smirked at Yomi. "I'm envious of your ability to pack down food like an elephant."

"Why you!" Yomi went after Tomo, who began running for her life, shouting out how envious she was of Yomi's ability to run fast despite her large mass.

"Scary how much they seem like the real thing, isn't it?" Chiyo asked Sakaki.

The armored girl could only nod in agreement.

Chiyo shouted over the chaos to Kimura, "Why did you try to transmute the class, and why try to create the Philosopher's Stone?"

Kimura, who was fending off Osaka's attempts to punch him in anger by placing his hand on her head and keeping her at arm's length while she swung vainly away, said, "Because I need it to change the world."

"How?" Chiyo insisted.

"Because I like high school girls. All of them, in every shape and size. But they eventually grow up and stop being high school girls. That is unacceptable. With the Philosopher's Stone, I can freeze them at that age, making them high school girls for the rest of their lives." He cackled insanely.

"That's terrible," Chiyo said, envisioning herself never getting any taller.

"That's horrible," Sakaki agreed. If all the other girls stopped growing, she'd be the tallest one forever.

"That's something I want in on," Yukari insisted.

"Sorry, you're too old," Kimura told her.

The declaration made Yukari scream in rage. She turned to Nyamo. "Come on, we have to kick his ass!"

"He's the one paying us," Nyamo pointed out.

Yukari suddenly became shifty. "Oh, are you saying you want him to succeed? How easy do you think it's going to be for us to get boyfriends when we have to compete against a world full of women trapped in teenage bodies?"

Nyamo's look of anger now matched Yukari's. "You're right! We have to stop his abominable plan!"

Kimura, sensing the tide turning against him, turned to his minions. "You must protect me."

Yomi stopped running. "No can do, since I'm Gluttony, I must be too fat to help you out," she venomously spat.

"And I'm too envious to help anybody," Tomo added.

"I'm so proud of my abilities, I don't need to use them to prove anything to anyone," Kagura said.

"Don't even think about it," Kaorin warned when Kimura turned her way.

Osaka said. "I'll help out." Her latest attempt at anger made her look like she was constipated.

Kimura saw the four were about to descend upon him. He shouted out, "Is it so wrong to want a world full of high school girls?!"

There was a resounding chorus of "Yes!" and he found himself buried under a wave of ice, fire, energy, and cute-looking plush cats, courtesy of four alchemists.

Author's notes: Yes, as you can clearly see, nothing in common. I like Azumanga. And I like Full Metal Alchemist. But they go together as well as oil and vinegar, once you transmute the vinegar into helium. Best to let bad ideas like this rest in peace.

Special thanks to Aondehafka and others that helped out.

Webmaster: Larry F
Last revision: May 21, 2007