A Ranma ½ / Oh! My Goddess crossover story
as chronicled by Trella
Disclaimer: Ranma ½ and its characters and settings belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video. Oh! My Goddess belongs to Fujishima Kousuke, Kodansha, TBS and KSS films; AnimEigo, Studio Proteus, and Dark Horse Comics.
Mornings in Nerima are unpredictable things. Sometimes the previous day's weirdness continues and gets even stranger, and other mornings, weirdness decides to sleep in, thus allowing normality to take over. Well, at least what passes for normal in Nerima, anyway.
And this particular morning looked to qualify as normal All was quiet, but for the birds saluting the new day; the sky was a pale blue and the sun was shining bright it promised to be a glorious day.
And what were the agents of weirdness doing on this fine morning? A fair percentage of them were assembled in the Nekohanten, Nerima's finest purveyor of Chinese noodles. The old crone, Cologne, was there, naturally, and her exquisitely beautiful great grand-daughter Shampoo, busy with getting the cafe ready for another day. But not as busy as they might have been, for while Mousse was not around, nor had been for some days, the Amazon pair were being assisted by Ranma and Akane. With their decision to "see how things go", made in response to learning that a goddess, no less, had intervened in their love-life, Ranma and Akane stopped by the cafe, when they could, to help out with set-up, cleaning, and whatever they could. They were able to be there this morning because Furinkan High was once again closed for repairs -- an event that happened deplorably often.
Of course, the trouble with peaceful days like this is that weirdness all too often decides it's late for work and really scrambles to catch up. Akane had just offered to help do some of the cooking for the cafe, earning a shudder from Ranma, a scowl from Cologne, and a thought from Shampoo about finally taking on the Herculean task of teaching Akane to cook something that didn't violate several provisions of the Geneva Convention, when Mousse burst in.
Cologne was about to berate Mousse not only for his rude and abrupt entrance, not to mention his absence for the past several days, when something unusual happened. Having Mousse scamper frantically behind the wizened old woman was not Standard Operating Procedure, nor was his evident but futile attempts to hide behind her.
And as Ranma, Akane, and Shampoo gawked at the spectacle of a six foot tall martial artist trying to conceal himself behind a three foot tall living mummy, they noticed that Well, he didn't look quite like the Mousse he used to be. For one thing, his color was off -- slightly ashen, in fact. And his usually meticulous clothes and hair were both rumpled and disheveled and were those bags under his eyes?
"Hey, man, what's up? You not getting enough sleep or somethin'?" Ranma remarked in concern.
"Saotome, you fiend!" Mousse responded. "I know all about how you tricked Shampoo into your perverted and twisted arrangement with Akane and Ukyo ("Hey!" Akane protested, unhappy about being rather indirectly called a pervert), and I would punish you for it but I'm just too tired " And his fierce snarl turned into a wide yawn.
And then weirdness really rolled up its sleeves and got to work when two figures smashed their way through the large glass window in the front of the cafe. They stood from the tuck they had been in as they cannonballed through the glass.
Mousse looked panic-stricken, and squeaked, "It's them!" He tried to shelter himself even further behind Cologne, and had no luck at it.
And there they stood. Two of them, with rich, thick, almost mane-like tawny hair, from which emerged a pair of pointed, cat-like ears. Come to think of it, the angles of their faces reminded them all of nothing less than felines: especially the predatory eyes that were directing hot glances at Mousse. He started to whimper slightly.
The eyes of Akane, Shampoo and Ranma scanned below the faces of the intruders. Akane's first thought, and a natural one given past history, was that these two whatever they were were after Ranma. Most beautiful, well-stacked women were, after all. And they certainly were well-stacked. Why is it, Akane thought enviously, that every woman in Nerima has bigger tits than mine? Even Nabiki's got a better butt than me Jeez, the girl thought, can't someone show up just once that makes me look a hot babe in comparison? At least they don't seem to be after Ranma that's a relief, I don't need that sort of competition. But why Mousse, of all people?
Shampoo had her own thoughts on the matter, somewhat different from Akane's. They hot babes, she thought, but bust be no bigger than Shampoo's. And what they wearing? Look like they belong under streetlight at night. Yes, Shampoo could be very catty, even when she was not spending time being one.
And the Amazon did have a point about the clothing of the intruders. They were wearing the same body suits they'd had on when Mousse first encountered them, somewhat cleaner now, but still quite scandalously revealing. The clothing showed off to maximum effect the catgirls' firm and very rounded breasts and well-turned legs. After all, the suits were cut high on the hips. And the back? Well, they were almost thongs, not covering much at all.
It was a good thing Ryoga wasn't there to witness the events. The Lost Boy would have most likely died of a fatal hemorrhaging of the nose. As it was, there were only two boys to scope out the catgirls' fleshy charms, and one of them had seen it all, and sampled those charms, time and time and time -- and time again. He just wanted a nice long (several days would be good) rest someplace quiet.
And the other boy turned into a girl half the time, so the catgirls in front of him didn't have anything he hadn't seen before on himself, albeit they were more statuesque and leggy than when he was a she. All those thoughts would have been wandering through Ranma's mind but for one slight detail. Despite the fact that he and Shampoo had been working, very slowly and very carefully to "immunize" him to the cursed Amazon's cat form, one look at the Puma twins' eyes, ears, and mane-like hair set all his nerves a-twitching with fear. They had the faces and bodies of adult -- very adult -- women, for which he was thankful, although not for the same reasons that most drooling fanboys are -- but there was something about them that loudly screamed "CAT!" The poor boy was visibly shuddering, although not as bad as Mousse, who looked to be having a struggle just to remain standing. Those legs of his were wobbling something fierce.
Shampoo was decidedly unhappy about seeing Mousse attempt to hide behind her great grandmother, an attempt as ridiculous as it was pointless, not to mention undignified for any Amazon, male or female.
"Mousse! Stop you silly hiding and be man!" the ticked-off purple haired Amazon scolded.
"More to the point, why don't you tell us just who these two um ladies are, since they seem to know you so well," Cologne added.
"Um Well, this is Anna Puma, and this is Uni Puma," Mousse said as he gestured to each one. Then he paused and thought a minute. "Or is this Uni Puma and that one Anna?" he said as he scratched his head.
"Lollipop! Haven't you noticed yet? My ears are 0.35 millimeters longer than hers," pouted Anna. Or was it Uni?
"Anna and Uni Puma?" repeated Akane in disbelief as she eyed them once again. It was a good thing, she thought, that they were apparently attached to Mousse like a pair of affectionate lampreys. She was learning to share Ranma with Shampoo and Ukyo, but those two openly leering at Mousse were competition in a form she didn't need. Besides, as she visually measured their height and compared it to hers, if they stood next to her she'd feel like a Russian tank driver taken prisoner by a couple of Germans. Then she stopped to ponder just where such a strange thought came from.
"Nice catch, though, Mousse. You finally got some babes after you." Ranma, though still quite nervous about the strange pair, was also rather amused by his Amazon rival's predicament. The gazes that both Shampoo and Akane fixed on him as they heard him describe the women as "babes" were not so amused.
"And how is it you met these two healthy specimens of whatever they are?" Cologne prompted, while thinking to herself things like this never happened back home.
Before Mousse could draw enough breath to even attempt an explanation, the twins presented their version of how they met, one picking up where the other left off, breathlessly switching back and forth.
"Well, like we were trying to break into this bank, y'know?"
"And he was there waiting for us "
"Yeah, with his shirt off and everything!"
"And he looked so cool like that, too "
"Yeah, cool and he made me hot!"
"And he called us mysterious, too!"
"Then we started to fight, and he wrapped us up in chains!"
"Yeah, what a way to start a relationship! I mean, bondage! And those chains were so cold!"
And the catgirl not talking at that moment shivered in delighted agreement.
"And after we fought, he took us home "
"Yeah, he even fed us and let us get a hot shower "
"So we 'rewarded' him "
"And he's great in the sack, too!" enthused Anna.
"Or anywhere else, for that matter " added Uni.
Shampoo couldn't hide her disbelief. "Mousse?! Good in bed? But he a blind, obsessive idiot who not able to take hint!"
"Well, okay, so he is blind, and he can be a bit obsessive, talking about this person called Shampoo in such glowing terms it made us want to spit up hairballs, and he can be a little thick at times " grudgingly admitted Uni.
"But he's got it where it counts and is it ever thick!" enthused Anna, and patted the terminally embarrassed Amazon boy on the front of his pants, leaving no one in any doubt as to what it might be the catgirl was referring to.
Cologne was not happy with such a lewd display in her restaurant. "Mousse! Have you no shame, boy?"
"Hey!" he protested, almost sounding like Ranma. "I have plenty, but they don't!"
Of course, no one paid a blind bit of attention to Mousse's protestations.
"And what you mean, this "person" call Shampoo? And take you paws off Mousse!"
As the girls looked over the purple-haired Amazon, something went click in their minds.
"You're Shampoo, aren't you?" they said, in a tone that was almost a hiss. "Do you know what we had to go through, listening to him describe you as goddess, angel, light of his life, and all that? And then he told us how you so cruelly and so often rejected his constant overtures of love. And now you tell us to take our hands off him? You got the nerve, sister, to want him now!"
"Shampoo not want Mousse, but it her Mousse that she not want!"
The strange catgirls stuck out their tongues at the purple-haired Amazon. "Well, he's ours now. You had your chance, sister!"
And then they said those words that strike terror into the bravest of men. "C'mon, Lover-boy Lollipop, let's go shopping!" And they took him by the arms and practically dragged him out of the Cat Cafe.
"Saotome!" Mousse screamed as they took him away. "In the name of humanity, help me!"
Cologne shrugged. This was Nerima, after all. Such strange things were only to be expected.
Akane shrugged. It was about time Mousse got himself some feminine attention, even if he was a blind obsessive idiot that tended to kidnap her in some ploy to win over Shampoo. At least this should keep him out of trouble.
Shampoo shrugged. If Mousse wanted to tomcat after a couple of of strumpets, what business was it of hers, she thought with a haughty sniff.
Ranma didn't shrug. He was too busy laughing his ass off. About time someone else had his problems!
Usually, when cars as fancy as the shiny black limousine pulled up in front of the Tendo house, it meant trouble. Most often, trouble for Ranma. But for once, it didn't mean that at all. It was simply Kodachi -- not that she would do anything so pedestrian as drive a car, that's what servants like Sasuke were for, after all -- coming by to pick Kasumi up for a pre-arranged shopping date.
Ever since Freya revealed herself as a Goddess, the two girls were meeting more and more often. Never for very long, but long enough for each girl to notice something compelling in the other.
For Kasumi, she noticed in Kodachi a lost loneliness that cried out for comforting, for mothering and mothering was something Kasumi was very good at.
For Kodachi, Kasumi was stability; an anchor that was preserving her reality. And Kodachi needed an anchor, especially on this most important day.
"Kasumi, do you mind if we make a stop on the way to shopping?"
"No, of course not, Kodachi."
And so it was that the limousine pulled up in front of a cemetery, to Kasumi's puzzlement. The two young women got out, Sasuke respectfully remaining behind after handing his mistress a large bouquet of flowers.
They made their way through the many graves until they found the one Kodachi sought. There was already a large bundle of flowers lying before the headstone.
"I see brother dear has already been here," Kodachi observed.
Something clicked in Kasumi's mind. "This is your mother's grave, isn't it?" she softly remarked.
"Yes, it is. And to be quite honest, I am not sure why I do this each year. This is the anniversary of her death, you know, and I am regrettably compelled to say that she was hardly the ideal mother."
Kasumi laid a consoling hand on her new friend's shoulder. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to "
"No No, perhaps it is time, at last. The philosophers tell us that a burden shared is a burden halved, and I have kept this burden, and others, to myself for far too long."
"Please. I don't mind, not if you think it would help," Kasumi prompted. She had heard something about what had happened to Hitome Kuno from Nabiki, but there were gaps and holes in the story.
"My mother She must have been haunted by so many inner demons. In the beginning, I suppose, she must have been much like any other mother, but I have no memory of such times. I only remember what she was like after."
"I remember watching her perform gymnastics. She looked so beautiful doing it, I wanted to be just like her. So I started imitating her movements and motions, as best I could -- in private at first, because I'd have been quite embarrassed to have been discovered. But in time, discovered I was, and my mother trained me formally."
Kodachi sighed, and shuddered at her memories, then continued. "I don't think perfection would have satisfied her. When When I did something wrong, she would punish me. It was never something that would have caused physical injury, but under her harsh tutelage, I improved, and I actually exceeded her own skills. One would suppose, then, the cruelty would have stopped, but it didn't. I think she became jealous of me. Jealous that I had surpassed her, jealous that I might be able to fulfill the dreams and goals that ever eluded her. She was never able to get into the Olympics, and that rankled deeply, I think."
"One day, I slipped. It was a bobble, really, but it was during a competition. When we got home, she " Whatever it was, Kodachi could not bring herself to say. "I think she knew finally that she had gone too far and and she committed seppuku to atone. She was still alive when Tatewaki found her " Kasumi was able to gage Kodachi's emotional distress by the simple fact she had refereed to her brother by name. " He did what he could, and of course Sasuke called Emergency, but she died regardless. Tatewaki started having the most horrid nightmares soon after, and I've been dosing him regularly with Black Rose extract ever since. You know, I can still remember, ever so vividly, the blood on Tatewaki's hands from when he tried to replace back into Mother what she had so horribly lacerated "
Kodachi had kept her eyes downcast throughout, but she raised them as she felt herself pulled into Kasumi's tender embrace, one which offered only caring and an ease to suffering. Her long contained grief finally poured out in great, wracking sobs that convulsed her body as she buried her face in the eldest Tendo's shoulder.
Kasumi made soothing sounds and stroked her friend's long dark hair comfortingly. Finally Kodachi looked up again with tear-reddened eyes.
"I'm sorry," she sniffled. "I didn't mean to do that I-I couldn't seem to help myself."
"Kodachi, you mustn't blame yourself. Not for your tears, not for anything else that happened. And you mustn't keep things like that in so long; it's not at all good for you. If you ever need anyone, anyone at all, to talk to, please know that I am here for you. But for now, perhaps we can offer these flowers together, and both pray for your poor mother's peace and repose?"
Kodachi turned almost shy. "I-I'd like that "
"And when the time comes, I'll take you to see my mother, and tell you about her. I think she would have liked you."
And after the girls had finished their prayers and were returning to the car, Kodachi said, "It's a strange thing, and I suppose that some would say it's because I am not entirely stable No, Kasumi, do not dispute me on this, for I know it full well. But sometimes I almost feel Mother's still in the house, watching over me and feeling, I think, regret "
One thing that bothered Mousse about being seen in public with Anna and Uni was their sense of fashion. They were both apparently believers in the "less is better" school of fashion. Well, the less clothing, the better, anyway. Lots of flesh on display, though. Mousse had also complained about the tightness of what little clothing there was. Why, you could see just about everything! His female companions, however, didn't see the problem.
"Well, yeah, of course it's too tight," they argued. "That's the whole idea!"
"Yeah, it makes us look hot! I mean, what's the point of having such killer bods like ours if you don't show them off once in a while?"
"Those things are important when you're a girl!"
"But wouldn't it be nice (for me, anyway) to have something else to wear? Something that might help you to blend into the crowd just a little bit to stand out just a bit less? Please?" Mousse pleaded.
"Hey!" the twins protested. "We like the way we stand out!" And Anna proved her point by thrusting her breasts out, to Mousse's gulp of embarrassment and perhaps something else, too, as he remembered how silky and soft those breasts felt how yummy they tasted and how sweet they smelled
But in the end, the much put-upon Amazon boy won his point, which means that he and the girls are now in A dark, dingy, desolate, ominous and dangerous looking alley?
"What are we doing here?" Mousse asked, completely puzzled.
"Looking for something we hid Oh, here it is," Uni explained as she pulled a beat-up satchel that lay under a pile of rubbish.
The girls opened up the case, and from it spilled yen. Lots and lots of yen.
"What's that?" Mousse asked. He knew what is was, of course, but what was it?
"Shopping money," the twins replied in an 'Isn't it obvious, Dummy?" tone.
"Shopping money? All that? You must have robbed a Wait a minute. That's stolen money, isn't it?" accused the boy.
The girls rolled their eyes. "Well, duh "
"We can't use that! It'd be wrong!"
"Look, bright boy, you said we need clothes. You think it's gonna be easy finding clothes to fit us? I mean, look at us!" Both girls pulled themselves up to their full height, which was considerable, and gestured towards each others voluptuous curves. "Clothes for us ain't gonna be cheap, and unless you got the money of it or can think of anything better "
Mousse tried to think of something better, he really did. But he'd been on many a shopping trip with Shampoo, trying to ingratiate himself into her affections, and if she was anything to go by, he knew that if he tried to pay for what these girls were likely to buy, he'd be broke in ten minutes. So there was naught for it but to use the Puma twins' ill-gotten gains. He wasn't about to let it become a habit, though. But what could he do to keep them honest ? Well, more or less honest, anyway. Yes, it must be thought on
But it was something to be thought on later, he decided, as he and the girls went to a local mall. (Of course, there's Nerima's shopping district, but Mousse figured the girls were mall-rats well, mall-cats, anyway )
It was the strangest shopping experience he'd ever had in his young life. He was used to Shampoo drawing lustful stares when they went shopping together -- something he forcefully put a stop to, much to her irritation -- but this? He had never seen anything like it.
He'd never seen so many guys walking into walls and falling off stairs, tripping on things, getting hit quite hard by their outraged wives and girlfriends and the nosebleeds were more than he could count. And it was all because of the girls he was with: two majestically tall and oomphishly built catgirls, who seemed to be quite oblivious to the commotion they caused. Or maybe they were just used to it.
They didn't have any trouble getting service in the shops, though. The male sales clerks were only too eager to please, as were some of the female sales people, and the other women salespersons may not have been that way, but they knew shopaholics when they saw them; and that buff guy with the long hair with the girls was a bit of all right
In the end, the girls had found some clothes that, as far as Mousse was concerned, were still too tight, or too skimpy, but were at the very least better than what they had been wearing. The girls had also managed to each find what they called a 'Hot Office Babe' outfit, complete with glasses and black seamed hosiery. He was embarrassed when they dragged him into that lingerie shop, though, and even more so when they held up some scanty panty or barely-there bra, or some other article of undie that was so tiny the boy marveled that anyone could possibly fit into it With the girls loudly proclaiming that it was all for his benefit, so he should do more than just sit there being red in the face.
Of course, Mousse was delegated the task of carrying all the boxes and bags of clothes and goodies the girls bought. That's what men are for, after all.
And Mousse thought it was a good thing the girls did have that stash of loot, after all. The total sum of his personal finances wouldn't have lasted five minutes, let alone the ten minutes he had previously thought.
But things got somewhat odd as they passed by a computer store. Mousse had no use for the things himself -- the balance was all wrong for a weapon, after all -- but the girls ?
"Hey, look! An antique shop!" exclaimed Anna.
"Nah, those aren't antiques. Look, see? No sign of wear or impact marks. I'd guess these are new," observed Uni.
"What, those things? But they're so primitive!"
"I dunno. I'd use the word 'quaint', myself, but what do you expect? This is the twentieth century, not our own time. You can't expect biocircuitry, you know."
And the two of them launched into a discussion of cybernetics that, quite frankly, made Mousse's head spin. Little wonder he suggested heading for the food court.
On the way (they had agreed on a pizza special, with all the toppings the girls were hungry, and they loved squid), they still caused a commotion, but not quite so bad, since they had changed into those 'Hot Office Babe' outfits. Among the many heads that turned in their direction were two female ones.
"Oh, look! Isn't that one of Ranma's little friends?" noted one of those heads, which belonged to Kasumi.
"Hmm. I believe you are right. It looks like Mousse, but who are those two creatures with him?" spoke the other head, which was Kodachi.
"Could they be cosplayers? I wouldn't have thought Mousse the type to be with such people, but those ears look very real," Kasumi pondered.
"What is stranger, Mousse is here without Shampoo."
"Well, maybe Mousse's desserted her," Kasumi stated, in all innocence.
Kodachi sucked on her teeth in thought. Kasumi -- sweet, innocent, pure Kasumi -- couldn't possibly have made a pun, could she?
Well, that was a voyage Ukyo was glad was over. Whatever possessed her, trying to save a bit of money -- not to mention a bit of trouble with such things as passport, reason for visit (can't exactly say, "To obtain a sample of Jusenkyo water"), etcetera -- by sneaking into China on a tramp steamer. And she believed it wouldn't be possible to find a trampier steamer than the SS Filthmuck, a vessel richly deserving its name.
It was not that the ship was absolutely broken-down and derelict; it was just incredibly seedy rather like its crew. Its captain was a wizened old geezer by the name of Henry Crum, who excused the state of his ship by continuously stating "You can't get the wood, you know." The ship's stewardess was an equally ancient Minnie Bannister, and the deck-hands were a pair of vague boy scouts types named Eccles and Bluebottle, of all things.
And if the crew -- what there was of them -- weren't bad enough, there were Ukyo's fellow passengers. The greasy butterball of a Welshman, Harry Seagoon, was normal enough, if a bit gullible, but that reeking garlic wreck, Count Moriarty, and his conniving companion, Hercules Gryptyppe-Thynne, kept trying to convince her into a game of strip poker. Good thing she had her spatula with her. Then there was that military deserter, Major Denis Bloodnok, and his delicate condition. To be quite blunt about it, Ukyo had never heard such explosive flatulence before.
All in all, Ukyo was so glad when she made landfall that she kissed the ground. She thought she couldn't possibly have selected a worst ship. But then, she had never heard of Captain D'Amour or Madame Lao, either.
Ukyo had never flown before, and after all the plane-hopping she was doing in China, she wasn't sure if she wanted ever get on a plane again. In order to save on expenses (she wasn't Nabiki, true, but still, a girl's gotta watch her money, right sugar?), she didn't travel on the "commercial" passenger aircraft, which would have provided at least a modicum of comfort, but instead resorted to flights on third rate -- at best -- turboprops that had seen better days when Mao was alive, and on occasion, even rickety cargo planes. It was, in fact, in such a craft that she made the final leg of her journey, from Xining in Qinghai province to the foot of the Bayankala mountain range. The plane touched down at the landing strip, and as Ukyo emerged, a small, childlike voice greeted her.
"Welcome, humble Sir, to Jusenkyo Travel Services."
To be continued.
Author's notes: Okay, I will admit that Anna and Uni Puma read something like a cross between the anime version of themselves and Natasha, Lori, and Onyx of Skunkworks infamy. And the mere fact that I know about those notorious skunk sisters might say a bit more about me than I'd want to confess.
And yes, that gang of strange goons Ukyo made the passage to China with are from the Goon Show. We can only hope that she'll find better company on the return trip.
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