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A spamfic
by Brian Randall

So then… what year is it, anyway?

Mmm… Yeah. That would put the events I'm talking about… oh… I don't remember anymore.

A long time ago, that's for sure.

Me? You really want to know…

Fine. I'll tell you a little about myself. You see… it used to be that I'd wander around with my friends, you know, the typical thing kids do… We didn't really have jobs, we were… troubleshooters, I guess. We'd find some place, investigate whatever weird phenomenon was going on, inevitably disprove it, and then we'd collect whatever reward was being offered, and move on.

Where? All over. At first we started out in the U.S. It was kind of an odd thing, really. None of us acted our ages, and I guess… most of us never really grew up. Anyway. After a while, we started expanding our horizons, and actually crossed over to China. That was fun, even if it was brief. We messed around there for a bit, but then we moved on to Japan… yeah, that's where everything went wrong.

We were tracking the 'monster' like we always did. I figured that it was probably another foam-rubber suit; I'd seen enough of them in my time to know.

No, I can't see anything without my glasses. Yeah, thanks. Really nice attitude there, buddy. You want to hear this story, or not?

That's what I thought. Anyway. Like I was saying, we were in Japan, and sure, you know… you hear about weird stuff there, but you hear about weird stuff everywhere if you listen. So we weren’t paying much attention, and then, you know, we see it.

You'd think that, wouldn't you? Truth of the matter is, when you get right down to it, I've seen fakes that looked much better than the real thing… seen so many of them… Anyway. One of us was a guy, and yeah, I had kind of a thing for him, and no, it never came out to amount to anything…

Oh, that's easy. His most defining trait is that he's a coward. And he's got a big stomach. Don't really know why I liked him… but it didn't matter. We'd been doing this for so long, even him, the cowardly… anyway. He got up and poked it, saying that it looked better than most of the stuff we saw.

If you must know… he died. Right there. It wasn't a guy in a suit, like we were used to. It was a real monster. It opened up it's… something… then this bright light came out, and the next thing I know, both of the guys are reduced to bloody chunks that are raining down on me and…

There were five of us. Yeah… Me, another girl, the two guys, and this big lug.

Don't let him fool you; he's a sweetheart, really.

Anyway. They were dead. The guys, I mean. Well, we weren't stupid, so we ran from the monster, and wouldn't you know it, there was another monster behind us. They started fighting, and… Daphne got taken out in the crossfire, but the dog and me both got away…

What the hell are you talking about? Pride? I'm just a girl, and the only thing I ever learned how to do well in that kind of situation was run. So I did.

Yes. The first monster was one of them. The second monster was actually a Guyver, though I didn't learn that until much later.

I gotta get going now. Yeah, yeah… whatever. I don't really care if you believe me or not. C'mon, Scooby. Let's go home.

Author's Notes:

If you haven't figured it out, it's Scooby-doo and Guyver. Though Scooby is probably a hell of a lot more obvious than Guyver… *sigh*

What prompted this? Disney is releasing 'Lady and the Tramp II' and Cartoon Network is showing a Scooby marathon. Too bad I don't like Scooby. Anyway. This is my retaliation to Disney's announcement… for whatever reason.

If I can ever come to understand my own motivations, I'll tell ya.

February 19, 2001

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